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Dear Dr. Beast,
Hello,

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Respectfully
Theresa Duras

,


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why is there a Canadian-style skill testing question on the contact form? Aren't you supposed to be the one answering questions?
Respectfully
Chris

Dear Canadian,
Was the question hard for you? How many tries before you guessed the correct answer?

Actually it's there because so many people love the Doctor that they were automating questions hoping to get my attention.


Dear Dr. Beast,
How do you feel about optimizing for Attacks of Opportunity?
Respectfully
Salas of Nemeah

Dear Romulan,
No one really likes a counter-striker. Face it the world likes hard-chargers and heart-breakers, not whiny little pricks who try to set up for an ambush or lie in wait for the real heroes like some kind of Keshit.


Dear Dr. Beast,
When I was born I came out backwards. I have been confused ever since.
Respectfully
A.C., Ferndale

DEAR A. C,
Generally when Tibetan Tapir give birth to their young, the same thing occurs. Perhaps you should move there and learn to relate with your cousin species.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why do fuzz balls collect on my socks?
Respectfully
Frustrated Washer

Dear Loser,
Your boots are too tight, your socks are too old and your attitude poor. The fuzz balls in question are probably the only ones on you of measurable size.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why is time unidirectional?
Respectfully
a One-way traveller

Dear One-way Traveller:,
It's not, you've been missing out on a lot


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why is there air?
Respectfully
IWANNAKNOW

Dear IWANNAKNOW:,
Air exist as a medium or conduct for the distribution for flatus. As you know, nobody gags on a wet one in a vacuum.


Dear Dr. Beast,
My house is infested with CAGS. How do I get rid of the vermin?
Respectfully
Dave O., Detroit

Dear Daveo,
Blow it up with a Radtke Ground Flame.


Dear Dr. Beast,
What should you do with a CAG after you run it over?
Respectfully
Anatchtin

Dear Careless One,
Back up to be sure you got it good.


Dear Dr. Beast,
White Castle hamburgers are some of the best I have ever eaten, I think they're great but they are so UNDER-RATED. They have been thrown or(as I've heard) been regurgitated. They have also been called harsh names such as SLIDERS, GUT BOMBS, OR BELLY BUSTERS. I would just like to know why people dislike them so much?
Respectfully
WHITE CASTLE FANATIC

DEAR WHITE CASTLE FANATIC,
Well, you see, some people have eaten them in an inappropriate state, that being SOBER!!


Dear Dr. Beast,
How did you get the nickname "BEAST"?
Respectfully
IDUNNO

DEAR IDUNNO,
Ask the one armed bandit


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why are there always so many flies near equine/bovine animals?
Respectfully
Cow Tipper

DEAR ANIMAL LOVER,
Much as Detroit has Joe Louis Arena and The Renaissance Center as designated convention centers for humans, farms have larger animals (ovines, bovines, equines) to act as fly convention centers.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Could you please inform me why Northwestern University seems to be the pit of collegiate athletics. It has a reputation for academics, but we know how unimportant that truly is.
Respectfully
Searching

DEAR SEARCHING,
How dare you make an accusation about a university with an N.C.A.A. finalist in field hockey. Get your facts straight before you write me again.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Where does Winter Camp fit into the space/time continuum.
Respectfully
The Lost One

Dear Lost One:,
In the closet behind the spare bowling ball.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why are some people interested in the toilet habits of others?
Respectfully
Backed-up

Dear Backed-up:,
Maybe it is the only area in which they can succeed and compare themselves with others.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Rumors are circling that you are in league with the Satan. Are these rumors true?
Respectfully
The Holy One

Dear Holy One:,
Yes, It's a Tuesday bowling league, he has a killer average.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Are voyeuristic latrine habits healthy?
Respectfully
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:,
No, but I guess it's all you can get.....


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why do you and Steve always fight?
Respectfully
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous:,
It's better than kissing that blivet.


Dear Dr. Beast,
According to Jeff Rand a tit is the measurement of an electron at rest, but if an electron is always moving how does he know the measurement for it being at rest?
Respectfully
Scientifically Confused

Dear Scientifically Confused,,
It's my belief that any knowledge that Jeff Rand has of tits is strictly theoretical and lacks in the field of practical application.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Do you think U of M will win the Rose Bowl Game?
Respectfully
A Loyal Wolverine Fan
M go Blue

Dear Wolverine Fan,,
Obviously! How could such a fine team lose to a team named after a condom, even using Bo's prevent offense?


Dear Dr. Beast,
Is it true the great X-Men's Wolverine, even with his healing factor can be killed with an overdose of White Castle hamburgers?
Respectfully
Magneto

Dear Magneto,,
No, it just affects everyone in a 60 yard radius.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Mike Osvath is so great I wish to know is he truly infallible?
Respectfully
Worshiper of Ozzie

Dear Worshipper of Ozzie,,
Sure he's infallible, that's why his engine is on the dining room table and his computer is in a coffin.


Dear Dr. Beast,
I've noticed that no one ever gets up on time at WC. Why is this and how do we correct it?
Respectfully
Early Bird

Dear Early Bird,,
What's the point? Correct it by sleeping in like the rest of us.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Is it true that you're the Anti-Christ?
Respectfully
Curious

Dear Misguided,,
No, that's just a terrible rumor started by a bunch of Mackerel Snappers and Bible Thumpers jealous of my, shall we say extravagant lifestyle.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why are you the only Winter-Camper that has his own question and answer column?
Respectfully
I Wanna Know

Dear I Wanna Know,,
May be because I am the only Winter-Camper with the sensitivity and compassion to help others with difficult personal problems, plus I threatened to beat up the editor.


Dear Dr. Beast,
I'm playing Diplomacy against your brother. Do you have any advice?
Respectfully
Hopelessly Lost

Dear Hopelessly Lost,,
Yeah, idiots like you should not try to play games of wit, as you are unarmed.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Is there life after Winter Camp?
Respectfully
The Seeker

Dear Seeker,,
Yes, approximately 360 days later, when the next Winter Camp begins.


Dear Dr. Beast,
I see a lot of publicity about natural penis enlargement with exercises. Is it real? What are the exercises like? Thank You!
Respectfully
John Hill

Dear Donut Boy,
While I have never felt the need, I understand the challenges faced by you little guys. My research indicates the exercises are pretty much the same as what you did last night, only with stickem instead of "baby" lotion.


Dear Dr. Beast,
How old are you?
Respectfully
Hi

Dear Mr. Lois,
Sorry to hear about your parents' bizarre affection for Hi and Lois (don't ask me - where the form said name, he wrote "HI"). Anyhow, your question could be approached from a number of different vantage points. First, you could mean how old is my race, the race of man. You could mean how long has Dr. Beast been Dr. Beast, or you could mean how long has the man behind Dr. Beast been alive. I'm going to go with the last one.
I'm slightly older than my gums and younger than my teeth. I'm old enough to know better, but young enough that I don't always care...


Dear Dr. Beast,
With only one Canadian team left in the 2000 Stanley Cup Playoffs, can you offer some wisdom on who will be victorious this year. (There is still ample time to call Las Vegas.)
Respectfully
Puckhead

Dear Puckhead,
Getting sports predictions right is all about waiting until the right moment, when all of the necessary information is available to crunch the numbers. That having been said, I am now prepared to predict that the New Jersey Devils will go all the way this year. What else did you expect from a guy named Dr. Beast. Sadly, neither my beloved Canadians nor your beloved Red Wings have the horses to win the race. Montreal does not have them, and Detroit's are too old.


Dear Dr. Beast,
So, how do you plan to celebrate the second anniversary of your web presence?
Respectfully
Steve

Dear Steve,
If I was getting paid enough, I would say that "I'm going to Disneyland." Sadly, writing a Boy Scout Web Site advice column does not have the advertising bang that Super Bowl winners have, so I will probably just open up the anniversary cards and giftds from my many fans.


Dear Dr. Beast,
This play I am reading by some guy named Shakespeare (maybe you've heard of him) begs a question in my mind. If the wintercamp group was a Shakespeare play, which one would we be and why? And who'd be who.
Respectfully
Steve C.

Dear Casting Director:,
Comparing Winter Camp to Shakespeare is really much ado about nothing; you can basically interpet it as you like it. From Steve Donohue's point of view it's really all about the taming of the shrew known as Big Bro, while Bro himself considers it nothing less than love's labour's lost, in truth, the winter's tale is difficult to pin down. Measure for measure, it's hard to tell if it's really the comedy of errors that Casual Observer claims it to be or if the tempest he and Bro create is really nothing more than a midsummer night's dream. For myself, I believe that all's well that end's well, and would as soon spend a twelfth night there, while my wife Jeanne accompanied the rest of the "Winter Camp Widows" to some gambling establishment to ply their luck. While they, the merry wives of Windsor, frittered away endless hours and perhaps a bit too much cash, we could enjoy ourselves at camp. At least a trip to Windsor would be cheaper than flying them to Europe, where they might spend too much money with the merchant of Venice before being whisked off to Euro-Disney by the two gentlemen of Verona who can't help but overhear their lover's complaint. Don't get me wrong, I'm no King Lear, and if I have to borrow some time to ensure my fun at camp, then I, like the passionate pilgrim I am, will gladly do so. Still, in the end, I'd say there's no clear way to identify specific plays and characters for camp. That's the beauty of the Bard's work -- it's truths are universal and parts of it in are in all of us and all we do.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Many are predicting the end of the world as the year 2000 aproaches. Do you think they are right? Will it be the biblical prophesies, Nostradamus, or the Year 2000 (Y2K) Bugs that get us?
Respectfully
1999

Dear Party Like It's,
Milleniums are always characterized by religious fanatics panicking and predicting doom. In general, that is the nature of religious fanatics. For many of them, life is a continual struggle to convert people to their way of thinking through fear, ridicule or outright lies. The skeptical would suggest that a system of beliefs should stand on its own merits, without the need for elaborate schemes to convince people of their worthiness.
Fortunately, I'm not a skeptic, so I think that much of the excitement is being generated by people who are still waiting for Miss Tammy and Mr. Jim to come back. They (and Revlon) are the only ones who want that. I do not know enough about Y2K to say how real the threat is. In the investment community, the general concensus is that Y2K compliance reviews are more likely to cause problems than the actual bugs. A lot of people are making a lot of money fixing very real problems, but the whole thing might be a just a bit overblown. The scare was probably a good warning and a call to action. Hysteria serves its purpose.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, how does it feel to be celebrating your one year anniversary with Ask Dr. Beast in the electronic format?
Respectfully
JAFO

Dear JAFO,
It's hard to believe it's already been a year. I guess it will become more real when the cards and anniversary gifts start to roll in.


Dear Dr. Beast,
What is a "Groo"?
Respectfully
OV

Dear OV:,
Groo is a comic book character drawn by Sergio Aragones, the creator of Mad Magazine's Spy vs. Spy. Groo is a mendicant warrior who travels the globe from fray to fray in search of cheese dip. He is the stupidest character alive. His constant companion is his noble hound, Rufferto. Groo is also the name of Steve Donohue's beagle, who shares the comic book characters mental prowess (or lack thereof) and his love of cheese dip. He also has no thumbs, which makes it difficult for him to accomplish his innermost desires (opening food cans himself) We read the comic book religiously (i.e. on Sundays) and when Steve found the dog, the match seemed obvious.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Okay, so like if you were a dog, what kind of dog would YOU be? Any other dog or animal thoughts for the rest of us?
Respectfully
Yapping Pup

Dear Pupster:,
I think that BB has covered the animal domain. If he ever updates his site, you will have your answers. As for me, I have recently acquired a Rottweiler puppy, and I like the breed's size, appearance and demeanor, if my dog is representative of the breed. I also like the fact that when provoked, they can be efficient killing machines, which has always been a goal of mine.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, so what did you name your dog?
Respectfully
Dog fancier

Dear Dog Fancier:,
The dog is black and tan in color and is named Saranac after the very fine black and tan beer.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Thin, regular or deep dish?
Respectfully
Pizza Afficionado

Dear Pizza Afficianado:,
How can one choose between the beauty of the ocean and the beauty of the mountains? I guess it is a matter of personl choice. Whichever way you go, you are still eating pizza. For me, it depends on who makes it. Being a traditionalist, I generally prefer regular, although a good deep dish every now and then hits the spot. Plus, regular crust is the traditional pre-camp meal. All this from a man who has eaten less than six slices of pizza this year. Oh well, that was my choice.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, what is this Littlest Hobo thing you're threatening us with?
Respectfully
TV Fanatic

Dear Fanatic:,
The Littlest Hobo is a Canadian television show starring a German Shepherd named Hobo. Hobo travels all over Canada taking care of stuff that Lassie did not have time to handle. Sort of a combination of Incredible Journey and Kung Fu, with a little Highway to Heaven tossed in. They are considering a newer veriosn called the Littlest Brain, where a Beagle travels around the country begging food from people in trouble. When the dog gets the food, he leaves the people to their fate. It it a little more realistic.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, how did you celebrate Respect Canada day? What would you recommend as an appropriate activity?
Respectfully
UgLy AmErIcAn

Dear Bloody Yank:,
I did not do much celebrating, because every day is Respect Canada day to me. In Detroit, you can watch choice Canadian TV shows on CBC Windsor and consume Canadian beverages like Canada Dry, Molson, and Seagram's. Obviously, your choice of beverage should conform to all state (or Provincial) regulations. I would also recommend sending a check for a large sum of money to a Canadian you know personally. (Hint: I am a Canadian) Good luck with your celbration.


Dear Dr. Beast,
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is there, does it make a sound?
Respectfully
One hand clapping

Dear What are you doing with the other hand and what are you applauding,
The answer is yes, it does make a sound. The sound is just like the opening guitar riff of Grim Reaper's classic Wrath of the Reaper. Check it out, then go out in the Woods and listen. If you hear it, that means that you are no one.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Dead or Canandian?
Respectfully
F@LG

Dear Ken Ober Jr.:,
It depends on who you are talking about. If you're asking about Sinatra, Princess Diana or Johnny Versace, the answer is dead. If you're asking about Monty Hall, Getty Lee, Mike Myers or ME, the answer is Canadian. If you are talking about John Belushi, John Candy or Wilfred Laurier, the answer is both. By the way, remember that July 15 is National Respect Canada Day. A good chance to show your respect before the eventual CANADIAN WORLD DOMINATION.


Dear Dr. Beast,
How come no one ever uses half the pages I put up?
Respectfully
Frustrated Webmaster

Dear Dedicated Public Servant:,
The answer is that not all pages are usable on a daily basis. For exanple, when, apart from answering trivia questions, does one have a daily use for the Encyclopedia Wintercampica. The interactive pages seem to be most closely followed, while my particular favorite is the Paradox Metaphor serial. Other pages are probably looked at occaisionally, and only revisited when updated. The other answer is that your fellow arrowmen are a pack of lazy #$%%@@'s that don't appreciate good work.


Dear Dr. Beast,
How come when you watch "The Flintstone Kids" where Fred and his pals are just youngsters, there are people of all different ethnicities, Asians, Africans, Caucasians etc, but when you watch the grown up version there are pretty much just Caucasians?
Is racism rampant?
Respectfully
Concerned Viewer

Dear Is racism rampant?:,
There are several valid responses to your question. The first is that the Flintstone Kids show (which I have not seen) was written and produced well after the original Flintstone show. During the intervening period, social mores and values changed, and diversity and issues of racial representation became more important to television industry participants. For an example, consider the advent of Fruity pebbles and Cocoa pebbles cereal, marketing ploys essentially designed to placate the homosexual and African-american constituencies that were left out of the original storylines. The other answer is that Bedrock was a racist town, the Water Buffalo Lodge a prehistoric Ku-Klux-Klan (wait, was that ambiguous?) and the Grand Poobah equivalent to the Grand Wizard. The other answer may be that the Flintstones have little to do with racism, and adding a few black, hispanic and asian characters did not change anything but the cartoonists color palette.


Dear Dr. Beast,
How many questions in a row is too many?
Respectfully
Just curious

Dear Just curious,
As the owl said when licking the Tootsie pop, three. But I guess the world will never know.


Dear Dr. Beast,
When did this whole SKA music thing start and why do they release so many covers of older songs?
Respectfully
Music Lover

Dear Music Lover:,
As usual, I have no facts at my disposal so I will make some guesses. SKA started because band geeks who graduated from high school (yes, there were a few) found little outlet for the instruments they had learned in high school. That is why brass is pretty heavy in SKA. I think they release covers because they are trying to give a fresh treatment to old stuff. Also, elmost every major band in rock history, started with covers. It it a tradition, and a good one. Once the skills are honed, then the band can establish its own identity. That is my story and I am sticking to it. I do not have a clue if it is right, but I am sure that there are other Winter Campers who could give you more factual information.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Is it true the great X-Men's Wolverine, even with his healing factor can be killed with an overdose of White Castle hamburgers?
Respectfully
Magneto

Dear Magneto:,
No, it just affects everyone in a 60 yard radius.


Dear Dr. Beast,
When I visit the latrine I always find it difficult to determine how many sheets to use when wiping. Last night I sat an extra 5.356 seconds trying to decide whether to use 2.85 or 2.91 sheets. Finally I took a guess and you know the result. I fell short.
Respectfully
M. B., .75 AA .24 AP .01 WC

DEAR M. B,
I recommend 2.88 sheets and a bar of soap.



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