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Dear Dr. Beast,
Did Al Gore really invent the internet, as he stated? Or is this just some rambling by a knee-jerk liberal?
Respectfully
B.C.

Dear Philanderer in Chief,
Sure, Al invented the Internet. He also invented suburban sprawl, the civil rights movement, the environmental movement, parental warning labels to limit free speech and the popular Macarena dance. Hopefully, he will have time to move on from these many accomplishments to develop a personality and a plausibel campaign.


Dear Dr. Beast,
How much TV is too much TV?
Respectfully
Concerned Viewer

Dear Chauncy Gardner,
Various people have different answers to this question. My brother Steve claims to watch only an hour a week, although I suspect the truth is that he watches more, but only makes an effort to watch an hour (buffy of course). Others may become interested in more shows and so watch more. In the end, its a matter of personal taste and energy; if your TV watching doesn't hurt you or anyone else, then it's probably fine. In the end, you need to be like the "boy in the plastic bubble" and break free to enjoy the world.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Hey, what do you think about this whole Impeach Clinton thing?
Respectfully
Politically Incoherent

Dear Politically Incoherent,
I think that the process will not remove him from office. Rather, it will highlight the problems with the current two party system. On a personal note, I do not have much respect for Clinton, the man is a liar and a worm. My view is that the U.S. President should be a man of personal integrity, since his role is largely as a figurehead with less political power than generally believed. To quote Marlin Brando in the Freshman, he should be the type of man who can say (with a straight face) "By definition, every word I speak is a promise." I do not care who or what he had sexual relations with, but I really think he should have the moral sense to feel embarassed and realize the impact of his actions on this nation and the office of the presidency.


Dear Dr. Beast,
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
Respectfully
Smokey the Bear

Dear Smokey,
I live in Florida, so the answer is a smoking, charred tree. I thought you were supposed to be out fighting fires you useless ursinian. Get off your fat furry @ss and stop the fires before they get to my new house.


Dear Dr. Beast,
How do you deal with the fact that, compared to you, most of those around you have the brainpower of a walnut?
Respectfully
Birds of a feather?

Dear Intellectual Snob,
You know, I ahve heard this question before and it did not make sense the first time either. To slip into RD mode, everyone has different gifts and makes their own decision as to how they apply those gifts. For example, I met some guys at the camp who have plenty of brainpower but a disinterest in using it. So, my guess is that we are all Walnuts, but some of us area little more cracked than others. It is a lot of fun to act like you're smarter than everyone around you, and it is harmless, as long as you are not stupid enough to believe it.


Dear Dr. Beast,
How do you find the patience to put up with all the dumb questions you receive?
Respectfully
Just Curious

Dear Just Curious,
There are no stupid questions, just stupid people who ask questions. I enjoy the questions I get here because they are so different than the ones I normally have to answer in my daily life. Besides, they occaisionally givem e an opportunity to revert to an earlier self, who, while dangerous, was also kind of fun.


Dear Dr. Beast,
What does Ambrose mean when he says "The existence of boys is proof of remarkable Christian forbearance on the part of men?"
Respectfully
Confused Child

Dear Confused,
He means that it takes a lot of willpower to allow troublesome little punks (like yourself) to continue using up valuable oxygen. The long-term desire for continuation of the species overwhelms the short term desire for the satisfaction brought on by use of destructive force. The ability to put long term goals ahead of short term gratification is one of the symptoms of adulthood. Maybe you will catch it some day.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Ginger or Marianne? Betty or Wilma? Laverne or Shirley? Judy Jetson or the grown-up Pebbles Flintstone? Daphne or Velma? Paper or Plastic?
Respectfully
Girl Watcher

Dear Girl Watcher,
The answers are Maryann, cartoon Betty and live action Wilma (sorry Rosie), Shirley (or Carmine for those so inclined), Eep op ork aye aye for Judy, Daphne, plastic and I always dream of Jeanne.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Do you think Kenneth Starr is really leading a right wing conspiracy against President Clinton?
Respectfully
Concerned Voter

Dear Concerned Voter:,
I think the only person leading a conspiracy or plot to overthrow President Clinton is President Clinton. That guy could mess up a wet dream, and it might be better if he had a few. Someone needs to let him know that intern is a title, not a description of how you have your young assistants.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Okay, so you're not the Anti-Christ. Who is?
Respectfully
Could it be Barney?

Dear Could it be Barney?,
I do not believe that the purple pee-pee toucher is that anti-christ. A wise man once explained a rather convinicing theory about the anti-christ, which I support. Wayne Newton is the anti-christ. If you don't believe me (thousands wouldn't) go to Vegas and check it out for yourself.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Rumors are circulating that you are in league with Satan. Are these rumors true?
Respectfully
The Holy One

Dear Holy One,
Yes, it is a Tuesday bowling league and he has a killer average.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Why are some people so interested in the toilet habits of others?
Respectfully
Backed-up

Dear Backed-up:,
Maybe it is the only area in which they can succeed and compare themselves with other.


Dear Dr. Beast,
Dear Beast, Is it true that you're the Anti-Christ?
Respectfully
Misguided

Dear Misguided,
No, that's just a terrible rumor started by a bunch of Mackerel Snappers and Bible Thumpers jealous of my, shall we say, extravagant lifestyle.



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